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Talk about Sex.
Eventually a Marriage Therapist will
most likely discuss sexual expression within the context of
marriage. The four most common topics brought up during marriage
counseling are money, children, in-laws and sexuality. Without
all the moral judgments that disturb objectivity, let us look
at sexual behavior within the confines of a committed relationship.
Sexual, sensual, erotic behavior is the glue that bonds a couple
together. It is a spiritual, sacred experience. It is as the
Bible describes, the joining of “two into one”.
The woman is always more vulnerable in a heterosexual relationship
because she must receive her partner into her body. Nothing
could be more vulnerable or beautiful than this incredible invitation.
It is a spiritual act and expression of surrender. The female
surrenders to the male whom she chooses to surrender to. It
is her choice that makes the sexual act possible. Sexual expression
must always be consensual. However, because the female is more
vulnerable than the male, without her ongoing consent, sex becomes
For the experience of sexual intimacy to broaden, both persons
must become vulnerable. Vulnerability is the pathway into the
spiritual intimacy that is expressed during sexual relations.
The French refer to the sexual climax as “the little death”.
They equate the final sexual experience of orgasm to a heightened
spiritual experience similar to the death experience. In death,
humans surrender their very essence. In sexual behavior couples
surrender their individuality and for a sacred moment “two
Sexual committed loving is the most encompassing form of love.
We love our children in a special way, but never sexually. We
love our parents in a certain manner, without sex. We love our
friends in a unique style, and hopefully we love ourselves.
But the most totally rewarding aspect of sexual love is that
it is a distinct relationship where two are joined romantically
with each other, and then become as one. At that moment, sexual
loving reaches its pinnacle.
I do not want to exclude those who do not have sexual behavior
in their lives, whether by choice or by not having opportunity.
I want to remind you that I am talking about the sexual expression
within love. Loving is much bigger than sexuality. Loving does
not need sexuality. But sexual behavior, to be fully experienced,
Sexual behavior must be responsible. We must think about the
possibility of pregnancy, and we must remember sexual behavior
can create disease, even life threatening disease. Remember,
I told you I was going to talk about sex. Some parts need to
be expressed practically, and as such are not very romantic.
It is essential that if you wish for your sexuality to be full
and rich, conversation must precede sexual expression. And that
conversation must include the practical aspects of sexual expression
when it is a new expression between two people.
Sexuality is a wonderful human expression. It is a sacred statement
between two people that takes us them to another level of life
experience. In this way, sexuality can lead to the spiritual.
Sexual loving is a pathway into a glorious mystery of life.
Not only is it nature’s way of reproduction, but it is
also one of the most healing aspects for relationship. However,
conversation about sexual expression is imperative if you want
the expression to be all that it can be. Too many are afraid
to talk about sexuality, and the result is assumptions, and
expectations that if not discussed will harm your relationship
with the person you are sexual with. It becomes essential that
if you are sexual, you must also be able to discuss your sexual
experience, your needs, desires and wishes, and you must listen
to your partner in the same loving way you wish for them to
speak with you.
The main problem therapists confront when discussing sexuality
in marriage is frequency. Men usually prefer more sexuality
than women. This sets up a potential problem, unless discussed
and compromise is found. Monogamy comes with responsibility.
If you want your partner to be monogamous, you have to be willing
to participate. I once had a husband express his feelings this
way. “My wife expects because she is not hungry, that
I should not eat.” The solution to this issue is communication.
Each partner should express themselves about their needs and
desires, and eventually in a monogamous relationship compromise
must be found so both feel satisfied with their sexual union.
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