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Let’s Talk about Sex.

Eventually a Marriage Therapist will most likely discuss sexual expression within the context of marriage. The four most common topics brought up during marriage counseling are money, children, in-laws and sexuality. Without all the moral judgments that disturb objectivity, let us look at sexual behavior within the confines of a committed relationship.

Sexual, sensual, erotic behavior is the glue that bonds a couple together. It is a spiritual, sacred experience. It is as the Bible describes, the joining of “two into one”. The woman is always more vulnerable in a heterosexual relationship because she must receive her partner into her body. Nothing could be more vulnerable or beautiful than this incredible invitation. It is a spiritual act and expression of surrender. The female surrenders to the male whom she chooses to surrender to. It is her choice that makes the sexual act possible. Sexual expression must always be consensual. However, because the female is more vulnerable than the male, without her ongoing consent, sex becomes rape.

For the experience of sexual intimacy to broaden, both persons must become vulnerable. Vulnerability is the pathway into the spiritual intimacy that is expressed during sexual relations. The French refer to the sexual climax as “the little death”. They equate the final sexual experience of orgasm to a heightened spiritual experience similar to the death experience. In death, humans surrender their very essence. In sexual behavior couples surrender their individuality and for a sacred moment “two become one”.

Sexual committed loving is the most encompassing form of love. We love our children in a special way, but never sexually. We love our parents in a certain manner, without sex. We love our friends in a unique style, and hopefully we love ourselves. But the most totally rewarding aspect of sexual love is that it is a distinct relationship where two are joined romantically with each other, and then become as one. At that moment, sexual loving reaches its pinnacle.

I do not want to exclude those who do not have sexual behavior in their lives, whether by choice or by not having opportunity. I want to remind you that I am talking about the sexual expression within love. Loving is much bigger than sexuality. Loving does not need sexuality. But sexual behavior, to be fully experienced, needs love.

Sexual behavior must be responsible. We must think about the possibility of pregnancy, and we must remember sexual behavior can create disease, even life threatening disease. Remember, I told you I was going to talk about sex. Some parts need to be expressed practically, and as such are not very romantic. It is essential that if you wish for your sexuality to be full and rich, conversation must precede sexual expression. And that conversation must include the practical aspects of sexual expression when it is a new expression between two people.

Sexuality is a wonderful human expression. It is a sacred statement between two people that takes us them to another level of life experience. In this way, sexuality can lead to the spiritual. Sexual loving is a pathway into a glorious mystery of life. Not only is it nature’s way of reproduction, but it is also one of the most healing aspects for relationship. However, conversation about sexual expression is imperative if you want the expression to be all that it can be. Too many are afraid to talk about sexuality, and the result is assumptions, and expectations that if not discussed will harm your relationship with the person you are sexual with. It becomes essential that if you are sexual, you must also be able to discuss your sexual experience, your needs, desires and wishes, and you must listen to your partner in the same loving way you wish for them to speak with you.

The main problem therapists confront when discussing sexuality in marriage is frequency. Men usually prefer more sexuality than women. This sets up a potential problem, unless discussed and compromise is found. Monogamy comes with responsibility. If you want your partner to be monogamous, you have to be willing to participate. I once had a husband express his feelings this way. “My wife expects because she is not hungry, that I should not eat.” The solution to this issue is communication. Each partner should express themselves about their needs and desires, and eventually in a monogamous relationship compromise must be found so both feel satisfied with their sexual union.

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